In 2018, Malcom died at age 26 from a drug overdose. I remember seeing his last ever Instagram story, moments before the end, filming the outro of his song, ‘So It Goes’ spin around on his turntable whilst his hands were evidently shaking behind the camera. The outro is an outstanding orchestration of synths harmonising into an angelic symphony. The irony is, that this outro was intended to represent an ascent into heaven. This also happened to be the outro of the final album he released when alive, ‘Swimming’. I loved Mac for his radiant essence and innocent childish charm that he’d bring to the table. Everyone loves vulnerable artists because honesty makes for good art. But for Malcolm, it was always a little bit more than that. He was candid, real, yet comforting. Over time, his music developed into a state of heightened self-awareness. His tastes served no particular genre, and we saw the rapper from Pennsylvania blossom into a soft and soulful singer, jazz composer and powerful conceptualist who resonated with listeners.
Most posthumous albums don’t sit right with me, either. I often question whether the concept should even exist as I rarely see sincerity in releasing an artist’s work if they’re not alive to approve of it. The tragic epidemic of early deaths of artists has only heightened in recent years. It’s sad to see that the majority of posthumous albums from the estates of artists have served as lacklustre, money-grabbing and incomplete. In the name of ‘legacy’, we see the names of dead artists being hung from a tree like a piñata whilst others desperately bash out what might’ve been left inside of them. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that Mac’s Estate is potentially the only good example of elegantly continuing an artist’s legacy post-death. 2020’s ‘Circles’ was a project Mac had already completed before he died, requiring a touch-up from producer and friend, Jon Brion. This made the album a sentimental, purposeful and authentic goodbye to Miller. It was a brilliant project. Furthermore, his estate went on to commercially release his previous mixtapes, ‘K.I.D.S’, ‘Faces’ and ‘I Love Life, Thank You’ onto streaming services in the following years.
Balloonerism is Mac’s secret, unreleased project from 2014. At the time, he cast it aside to focus on his major label debut, ‘GO:OD AM’. His estate claimed that before his death, he had already commissioned the artwork for the project and was discussing an official release. The project embodies a darker tone of escapism and the overwhelming sensation of entrapment within the music industry and his addiction. The album combines an eery ambience of psychedelic rap with stanzas of prophetic spoken word. Verses are a breath of honesty, and at times, a mere cry for help. Contrasting the foreshadowing sense of spiralling doom, we have a theme of childish quirkiness, goofiness, spontaneity and creativity. Recorded at what can potentially be seen as Mac’s most experimental and successful period, it was also a moment of clarity for him. Where he’d begin to dive deeper into more mature and meaningful themes, mostly triggered by internal struggles that were developing at this time. We are reintroduced to Mac once more on the opening song, DJ’s Chord Organ (feat SZA). Where his reemergence mirrors his ascent on Swimming’s ‘So It Goes’ – now descending from the skies on heavenly harmonic synths and organs. From there, we’re granted a one-way ticket into his insight, his love as well as his deepest, darkest fears that possessed him at this time.
They say you stop ageing the day you become famous. With that can come to yearn for simpler times, or to rediscover the parts of yourself that never needed these materialistic things to begin with. The project decorates itself with innocent tambourines, tap-dancing cymbals, angelic underlying synths, playful strings, and the sounds of children playing and laughing which transports you back to that tranquil realm of nostalgia. This theme gets merged with an anthology of lyrics imprinted with the misery and desperation to escape back towards those simpler times. It’s fair to see Mac as a creative little boy who had been entangled in a domain that he created but is no longer familiar with.
In the track, ‘Excelsior’, Mac questions,
‘I used to want to be a wizard. When did life get so serious?’ /‘Whatever happened to Apple Juice and cartwheels?’
Tracks like ‘Stoned’ sedate us back into a state of letting go, not just of our problems, but of ourselves. The drug-enthused, psychedelic guitar riff carries a satisfying and entrancing vibe with it. Unlike many of the other ‘conscious-heavy’ tracks on this project, ‘Stoned’ reminds us that drugs still remained as Mac’s escapism at this time. Specifically, I imagine, an escape from his over-processed and questioning thoughts that spread itself across the project… and was ultimately what infested his own head.
Tracks on Balloonerism stand as a series of philosophical questions that it seems Mac, himself, cannot yet answer. Examples such as ‘What you gonna do when the money coming slow’ on track ‘Mrs Debroah Downer’ expose Mac’s financial vulnerability and dissect how integral money has become towards his own identity. Moreover, when a drug addict runs out of funds, where else will they be able to escape? The music portrays itself as a therapeutic playground for Miller to renavigate and reclaim his goals and aspirations, and to maybe understand what all of this is really for. To complexify this therapeutic navigation, we’re blinded by multiple pitched and echoey effects on his vocals, transcending instrumentals and even an intervention from his twisted alter ego, Delusional Thomas. A prime example of this is on the track Transformations. When the track progresses, the repetitive piano riff and unstable vocal delivery replicate a descent into disillusion. The song, ‘Rick’s Piano’ recognises Mac’s attempts to keep his mind on track. He pleads
‘Don’t tell me I made it. Coz people get worse when they think they are the greatest’.
As a child, it’s your creativity that serves you as your greatest pride. But once you become financially accountable for it, that creativity may go on to control you. The death of that child-like spark echoes throughout the project. On ‘Do You Have a Destination?’ he states
‘I gave my life to this shit, already killed myself’.
With getting everything you’ve ever wanted, fame stunts the growth of our creative child, and ultimately, Mac believes it to be already dead. A heartbreaking foreshadowing of what is truly to come.
The album wraps itself up with a trilogy of gorgeous tracks. ‘Manakins’, ‘Rick’s Piano’ and ‘Tomorrow Will Never Know’. Like many tracks on this project, ‘Manakins’ and ‘Rick’s Piano’ find themselves rhyming in couplets in a series of reflective discussions on his religious stance, life situation and where he can navigate himself from here.
‘They tell you that you needed sleep and suddenly you do
Scared you’re gonna wake up as someone that isn’t you
We’ve all been down that road before, poured alcohol on broken sores
Nobody can hurt me if I go inside and close the door’
In the closing track, we witness the last voice standing in Mac’s head, perhaps his most desperate and sorrowful one. A light echo to his voice suggests that despite the highs, lows, laughs and cries of the project, there’s an internal loneliness that can never truly be comforted in his eyes. A dreading sound of a phone dialling, but no one picking up lingers in the background. Yet again, we’re also accompanied by playing children, reminding us of what once was. In this pessimistic spirit, we’re left to witness Mac’s darkest questions he asks himself when he’s alone. Such as ‘do you fear that you have no control?’ and ‘You wonder when God will just listen and give you a break?’. The album takes us out with a long-lasting outro of long phone dials, eery strings and impending drums that guide us out of Mac’s head for now. From here on out, he’s behind his own curtain and truly alone once more.
It’s a powerful overarching image for an album. The trials and tribulations of self-navigation throughout the everlasting distortion and pain that comes with fame and addiction. It’s something that Miller has covered plenty of times throughout his albums and mixtapes. But what I’d have to say about Balloonerism, is that this is by far his most vivid, experiential and colourful attempt at articulating what he was going through. I think the album is entitled to pride itself on being little pockets of Miller’s mind, perhaps trying to reach some form of clarity in the emotions he was feeling at this time. There’s such a complex pallet of genres and themes that turn up on nearly every song, and we’re lucky enough to experience every part of Mac that we know and love. But we are also cursed by the presence of hindsight and can make the listening experience uncomfortable at times, knowing his eventual fate. Nevertheless, this doesn’t have to be a sad story. On ‘Rick’s Piano’ Mac and ‘Delusional Thomas’ sing the refrain ‘the best is yet to come’. The album explores his own attempts to find God, and salvation as well as surrounding himself with the people that he loves and adores. Moreover, he believes his work as a professional musician is only just beginning. The majority, including myself, would declare Mac’s work that followed the next 4 years to definitely be his best run of albums: (Faces, GO:OD AM, Divine Feminine, Swimming and Circles).
My point being, I can’t see Mac wanting us to see this as just an epic insight into solely his own mind. This project can represent the adventurous wonders that can come from our own internal and external adventures. The album takes you on a wild ride of gliding clouds with playful plummets into the odd, fruitful and radiant land of our own minds. Like video games, we’re able to play, learn, be cautious, creative and spontaneous! There will always be dooming lows, confusing mazes and odd alter egos to confront. But it’s nothing our protagonist can’t take on. Be everything you can be and figure out the rest as you go along. Ride the dark clouds like a surfboard and have faith that the best is yet to come.
